Deployment

It's official...

Beau and I dropped Blaze off at the motorpool for deployment. I thought I would be okay to a certain extent. I really did, foolish, huh? Maybe it's because I'm sitting here in our house, finishing packing our things, folding his clothes, seeing his things sitting around; but it's so freaking hard. You know how when you go through a break up, every song on the radio suddenly expresses every emotion you have? It's the same with deployment. I know he's coming home, but God, I miss him so much. It's hard not to cry all the time. I hate how no one ever realizes how much the love something or some one until they're no longer around. Every time I look at Beau, I want to cry because I just think about how Blaze won't be around for so many of his firsts.

A year....that doesn't sound that long, but to me, it sounds like an eternity. I get so scared about all the "what ifs". What if...we both change so much while he's gone? What if...Beau doesn't remember him? What if, what if, what if. I keep trying to find some sort of escape, but I can't escape this reality. Honestly, I've been through a lot of painful things in my life...this is by far thing most painful. I really feel like half my heart is gone. Like, when I walk in the front door, I keep expecting him to be playing Call of Duty. Every time I bathe Beau or change his diaper, I keep turning around to ask Blaze to hand me something, only to realize he's halfway across the world. A few minutes on the phone isn't enough for me. It's just funny because Blaze and I rarely fight about anything worthy of a fight, but sometimes I just want to ring his neck. Now that he's gone, I would give anything to have a petty argument face to face. Anything to have him home. Everyone keeps telling me that I "have to be strong" for various reasons. Be strong for Beau, be strong for Blaze, be strong for your family....I just need some one to be strong for me. I know I sound like such a wimp right now, I'm sorry. I knew this was the life I chose when I married Blaze. He's a soldier, this is his job, I don't want him to feel bad about going, I'm glad he's getting to do this because I know he wants to. I just want him home with Beau and me. What really cracks me up is the fact that all the things that annoy the crap out of me that he does, are the things I'm really missing. For instance, our gutter pipe always freezes so he likes to kick it and make the ice fall out...it drives me nuts, but I caught myself doing it today. Or how he LOVES to be up late...as for me, I like to hit the hay early bc of Beau. Well it's 2 AM here and I'm wide awake. Go figure.

I'm sorry y'all, this is just really hard. Sometimes I wish he weren't in the Army, just so we wouldn't have to be apart. He and Beau are the best thing that have ever happened to me.

Anyway....I talked to him for about 2 minutes today, basically just long enough to say "Hey, I love you. I'm pretty sure I'm in Germany because I can't read a damn thing at the airport. *insert laughter* Gotta go babe, we're off to Bahgram." I'll let everyone know if I hear anything else. Love u all.

Let me know if you are still missing his mailing address. :)


Shannon