This Weekend

The past 2 weeks, and especially the past 2 days have been the most emotionally and physically taxing weeks that I have ever experienced. I just hate funerals, especially military funerals, and I've been to two in the past 2 days. Two funerals with full military honors for two of mine and Blaze's close friends. Owens' service was very uplifting. There were tears of mourning at the beginning, tears of laughter at the end. Andrew's funeral was more somber. His old high school football team showed up, as well as the coaches. In addition to that, I watched a very good friend of mine sob as she was handed her young husband's flag and taps was played. I hate this war, I want our guys home. I don't want to lose any more friends, any more brothers or sisters.

Heather seems to be doing okay considering the situation. She's obviously had a hard time. She and Andrew are both 21 and have been married for 2 years; now she's a widow. I don't know if you can call it fortunate or unfortunate that she and Andrew never had kids, but they didn't. They did so much for Blaze and I when we were first married. We lived with them for 3 months until we got on our feet and got housing at Ft. Drum. They were the first friends I made out there. Owens' was Andrew's best friend. They died at the same time. Hit by an RPG in the same Humvee. As odd as this sounds, I know neither of them would've had it any other way. They were attached at the hip. Owens' could always brighten a room with his smile. He was the funniest guy I've known. :) He was the life of every party and was a regular at Andrew and Heather's house while we lived there.

Unfortunately, as if this wasn't hard enough, some one decided they would give me details of the incident. Out of respect for the 4 soldiers that died that day, I won't give them out here, that, and I know they had a very serious impact on me, and I don't want anyone else to bear that weight on their shoulders. That being said, I was given details that other Army wives were given from their husbands who were the first responders and the "recovery" team. The recovery team had no idea what had happened and was picked to go do their thing, they didn't know until they got to the scene that it was their close friends and coworkers who had died. I'm so worried abotu those guys. They saw their friends in a way that no one should ever have to.

I got another tattoo while down here. Judge if you will, but I like it. It's a star (Andrew loved stars), filled in orange (Owens' and Andrew's favorite color) with a banner across it with 7-20-09 written in it. That's the day that all of this went down. It's in honor of all four soldiers lost that day. Unfortunately I didn't know Pratt or Lightfoot all that well, but I know that Pratt was 20 years old, and Lightfoot was 34. If I'm not mistaken, Lightfoot was due to come home for R&R the next day to finalize the adoption of his wife's children.

I've got to drive back to Arlington now. I really am not ready for this drive. I love u all. Thanks for listening to me talk this out.

Shannon

Best Husband Ever

You should all know that I have the most amazing husband in the world. I tend to be a handful from time to time and he totally takes it in stride. I have never felt so loved by anyone in my entire life. I can't believe he and I have already been married a year and a half. Time has flown, that is so wonderful since we've been separated for a good majority of our marriage.

Don't getme wrong, we have our ups and downs like any other coupe in the while, but we've taken advice from some very wise people that said "nevr go to bed mat at ecahothr. well I havef to shower and go take care of my Mema. I love you all. Every last one of you is a gift from God and have blessed me in more ways than I could even imagine. :)

Shannon

I Feel Bloggy :)

So, I just got off the phone with one of my girl friends from NY, it occurred to me that I talked her face OFF. I mean really, off. O-F-F. lol Her name is Amanda and she and her husband, Adam, are the couple that gave Blaze and I the cell phone for Afghanistan. They live further upstate than Ft. Drum or Watertown, closer to Canton, NY, in the country. I always loved their house. They have 25 acres with a little stream running through it. It's gorgeous. The only issue I have is that they have chickens. I have a deep hatred of chickens. Some of you may find this humorous, God knows my whole family does, but my brother and I....we were attacked my chickens as children. lol That sounds made up, but it's not. They weren't really chickens, they were roosters....ill-tempered roosters. In a word....evil. But you can't just say "evil" you have to say it all sinister like "EV-ILLLL!!" lol. Jeez I'm weird today. Anyway, the roosters names were Pete and Re-Pete. Yup, that's what Pop (my mom's dad) called them. They were the meanest roosters I've ever seen in my life! They would just run up behind you and start pecking at your heels! We couldn't sit on the hammock, climb in the fort, or swing from the tree unless Pete and Re-Pete were in their coop. After years of chicken bites, my brother finally hit his wall and went off the deep end. Picture an 8 yr old standing off with two posessed roosters. My dad called back to my Pop "Bill, he's gonna kill your roosters!" and my Pop said "Good! They're too damn mean for the racoons!" hahahah Long story short, after an hour or so of chasing chickens with a broomstick, my brother finally got a hold of them and clubbed them both. Akward at the time....pretty flipping funny now.

LOL

Yeah, I really miss my Pop these days, he was the funniest man I have ever known. He was definately a good ol' country boy from Moffat, TX. It's about an hour outside of Killeen. That's why I'm so excited to go to Ft. Hood, I have family down there. Family with webbed toes, but family none the less. Hey, no one's perfect, right? Let me just add this part in, my mother was adopted I DO NOT have webbed toes lol. They're just short and stubby Barney Rubble feet with bad calluses. I can walk over damn near anything. Anyway, it's good news for Beau that webbed toes aren't in our genes.

..........that being said............

I feel bad for Blaze and whoever Beau marries. The women in my family have a tendency to turn men gray (or white, whatever u prefer). My step dad insists it's because my mom and I suck the life out of men. lol No joke, my real dad had dark brown hair, he married my mom at 20 and by the time they divorced....totally gray, even the moustache! Then my mom married Randy, he too had dark brown hair, well, he's gray now. My brother, Ryan, has brown hair all over except he has a white 1 inch polka dot on the right side of his head lol. And Blaze...he may've lucked out. Since he's got blond hair, it just looks really blond, but I SWEAR there's white hair in there!

Okay, I'm gonna go now because it's almost one in the morning. Love you all!

Shannon

What A Crazy Couple of Weeks!

Hello Hello!

I know it's been a while since I've posted anything, but I've stayed pretty busy. All together things are good, I'm just trying to keep my "Polyana attitude" until Blaze comes home. For those of you who don't know, he will not be getting his R&R in June like he was supposed to. Instead, he'll get 15 days in August. I don't know when in August, I assume they'll let me know before arrives at the airport, then again, it IS the Army. hahah

A couple nights ago I had my first night where I actually had to work to be a mom. I realized just how good I've got it with Beau, he's sooo easy normally! Well, the other night, he was running a low grade fever and he was screaming like he was in pain and was totally inconsolable. We were up until about 2 AM trying to get him calmed down. He's great now, all I can assume is it was either teeth, gas, or both.

I wrecked my car the other night bc I'm an idiot. I was backing out of my driveway at about 8:45 PM to go to Jack in the Box and was messing with my CD player instead of paying attention to what I was doing. In the meanwhile, my neighbor had parked his flatbed trailor on the end of the cul de sac and I took the turn too wide and plowed into the back of it. I felt so stupid. That being said, it was the first wreck or even fender bender that I've ever had. Fortunately, it's all cosmetic, my neighbors trailor didn't take on any damage either. Thank God, my neighbor was so cool about it, then again, I don't guess there was a reason for him to get worked up. Needless to say, I forfeited my trip to Jack in the Box. I go in today to get an estimate. Fortunately, we have USAA for our insurance and I'm fully covered. I have a $500 deductable, and the lady said our rates probably won't go up at renewal, and if they did it would only be $5-$10 a month more. We only pay about $50 per month now, so it's not that big of a deal. Definately worth it to let them handle this issue.

I had a decent birthday; Sarah took me for a totally decadent spa day. It was AMAZING! We both got massages, facials, manicures, and pedicures. I felt like a queen. The funny part is, it just made me want to sleep lol. I actually dozed off during my facial and woke myself up talking in my sleep hahaha. The lady probably thought I was a nut lol. I also got my hair highlighted and cut. I really like it. My wonderful mother and father-in-law are helping out with mine and Blaze's weekend away when he gets back. :) I can't wait!!!! :D :D

I have got to say thank you real quick to all of our family. Without y'all, I couldn't manage this deployment how I have. It's still hard as hell, but I can handle it because I know that even when I can't count on the Army, I CAN count on my family. Blaze, Beau, and I have been so blessed with y'all! I've realized how good I have it because I actually like (and love!) my in-laws a lot! Over time, I've realized that doesn't always happen. Anyway, y'all have been incredible, thank you so much!

Well, I'm going to close my post now, I've got to shower and get ready before Beau Daniel wakes up from his nap. I love you all!

Shannon

Long Time Coming

So, I try to write a blog basically, every night. That being said, I can never get my thoughts togeter enough to feel confident posting anything, so I typically just close the window after I get out my frustrations. This one probably won't be any different than the rest.

I have a lot of things going through my mind. I just feel down. Even my antidepressants aren't helping. I do everything I know to do to keep myself happy or at least stable; I do pilates every day, I eat healthy during the week (weekends off hehe), I take my medication on time every day, and try not to bottle up my emotions. Sure, it makes a little difference, but not enough. I understand that being sad just happens, especially after having a baby, but this is beyond that. Most days, I have zero desire to roll out of bed. I've only done this a couple times, but occasionally I'll just stay in bed all day, only getting up to tend to Beau. I'll feed him, change him, bathe him, but then we both just lay in bed. I just feel like I need something to help me. I don't know what to do. I don't know, it's rough. I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Other than the depression, I suppose that things are going alright. Beau is growing like a weed. He's got 2 teeth now and is trying to crawl. It's so crazy how quickly they grow up! I'm thinking now is the time to babyproof the house, which coud be interesting. Blaze is doing well. He's ready to come home and be with Beau and I. We're just as excited to have him hom as he is to be here! Hopefully, he'll be home within the next 2 weeks. :D I'm so excited. Anyway, I'm going to go now....I may actualy post this one.

Shannon

Sleep...It's What I Should Be Doing

I always complain that I don't get enough sleep but it's totally my fault. After Beau is asleep and I'm in bed is when I think of Blaze. I stay so busy during the day that I don't really have time to be depressed, but even at night, I won't say I'm depressed. I miss him soooo much, but when I think of him, I think of all the good times we've had together so far, and all the good times we'll have when he comes back. Like, (this is really sad) Blaze and I totally used to dance and sing along with "Don't Stop Me Now" by Queen to entertain Beau...and ourselves lol. I have the best husband ever. :) :)

I also think of the Army lighter that Blaze got me. Everyone in our neighborhood had a Zippo lighter and I felt so out of the loop, so when we were out at the PX he saw some Zippos and suggested I get one. So I look at a plain silver one but he talks me into getting the green one with the word "ARMY" and the Army Seal on it. I thought it was corny, but trusted his advice. Later in the day he was making fun of it, so I reminded him that he picked it out...he just laughed and said he didn't think I'd actually go for that one. He still gives me crap for the "gay" lighter. lol That being said, I love that lighter haha.

Another memory I love is when we first moved into our house how we listened to Bob Marley and danced in our socks on the kitchen floor. No furniture in the house with the exception of a bed, but we were so content with each other in our own little world that it didnt matter AT ALL! Man I love him.

My all time favorite memory, though, is Blaze's face when they pulled Beau out. It was kind of an "oh shit. what do i do now?" look. He loves that little boy so much. :)

Well, Im sorry y'all, I just really wanted to take a walk down memory lane. I can't wait for him to come home. :)

Shannon

Deployment

It's official...

Beau and I dropped Blaze off at the motorpool for deployment. I thought I would be okay to a certain extent. I really did, foolish, huh? Maybe it's because I'm sitting here in our house, finishing packing our things, folding his clothes, seeing his things sitting around; but it's so freaking hard. You know how when you go through a break up, every song on the radio suddenly expresses every emotion you have? It's the same with deployment. I know he's coming home, but God, I miss him so much. It's hard not to cry all the time. I hate how no one ever realizes how much the love something or some one until they're no longer around. Every time I look at Beau, I want to cry because I just think about how Blaze won't be around for so many of his firsts.

A year....that doesn't sound that long, but to me, it sounds like an eternity. I get so scared about all the "what ifs". What if...we both change so much while he's gone? What if...Beau doesn't remember him? What if, what if, what if. I keep trying to find some sort of escape, but I can't escape this reality. Honestly, I've been through a lot of painful things in my life...this is by far thing most painful. I really feel like half my heart is gone. Like, when I walk in the front door, I keep expecting him to be playing Call of Duty. Every time I bathe Beau or change his diaper, I keep turning around to ask Blaze to hand me something, only to realize he's halfway across the world. A few minutes on the phone isn't enough for me. It's just funny because Blaze and I rarely fight about anything worthy of a fight, but sometimes I just want to ring his neck. Now that he's gone, I would give anything to have a petty argument face to face. Anything to have him home. Everyone keeps telling me that I "have to be strong" for various reasons. Be strong for Beau, be strong for Blaze, be strong for your family....I just need some one to be strong for me. I know I sound like such a wimp right now, I'm sorry. I knew this was the life I chose when I married Blaze. He's a soldier, this is his job, I don't want him to feel bad about going, I'm glad he's getting to do this because I know he wants to. I just want him home with Beau and me. What really cracks me up is the fact that all the things that annoy the crap out of me that he does, are the things I'm really missing. For instance, our gutter pipe always freezes so he likes to kick it and make the ice fall out...it drives me nuts, but I caught myself doing it today. Or how he LOVES to be up late...as for me, I like to hit the hay early bc of Beau. Well it's 2 AM here and I'm wide awake. Go figure.

I'm sorry y'all, this is just really hard. Sometimes I wish he weren't in the Army, just so we wouldn't have to be apart. He and Beau are the best thing that have ever happened to me.

Anyway....I talked to him for about 2 minutes today, basically just long enough to say "Hey, I love you. I'm pretty sure I'm in Germany because I can't read a damn thing at the airport. *insert laughter* Gotta go babe, we're off to Bahgram." I'll let everyone know if I hear anything else. Love u all.

Let me know if you are still missing his mailing address. :)


Shannon